Most psychologists will agree that the parent child relationship is one of the deepest and most complex. For those estranged from parents or children, the idea of their lives being shaped by trauma or absence may seem strange and upsetting, yet it's undeniable that this relationship profoundly influences our character.
As our parents age, the relationship changes and roles often reverse with the child taking more of a caring role. For a small minority, this is an uncomplicated transition, where love and duty are happy drivers and everyone fits into their roles easily. For the vast majority, this change is unsettling and too many people are caught in an emotional snowstorm without a plan.
Many of us experienced joy at seeing younger and older generations connect, but darker emotions are prevalent here too; stress, anxiety, and sadness. In this piece we’ll explore some practical steps that people can take as they go through the painful, yet inevitable chapter of watching our parents age.
Guilt & Obligation
During some recent discovery work for Chatsie, we found that many people express concerns about finding time to care for their ageing parents. It's understandable, as the sandwich generation often faces the challenge of balancing caregiving responsibilities, work, and household management. However, it’s also clear that people do manage to find time for activities like scrolling through social media or messaging friends on WhatsApp, which suggests that time management is a more complex issue.
The problem with this surface level answer is, it is steeped in guilt and feelings of obligation. These may drive individuals to do “the right thing” (in short bursts), but negative emotions rarely drive happy, sustainable relationships. The real truth is that the parent – child relationship remains complex in this later stage of life too. It is exacerbated by a feeling that “time is running out”. There is historical baggage, day-to-day annoyances, and deeper misunderstandings between each other. After a long day of work and responsibilities, it is hard to overcome those barriers. It requires one to be a mature adult vs a child with grievance. Time isn’t the issue – the emotional energy, magnified by guilt and obligation is the problem.
Depth vs Frequency
We observed another interesting disconnect during this discovery project. People believe their parents expected deep and meaningful conversations with them as their preferred type of communication. That expectation compounded feelings of guilt, obligation, and made them less successful in achieving any kind of proper communication, because deep and meaningful on a regular basis is a tall order.
The parents, on the other hand, simply want to speak on the telephone on a regular basis. There was no emphasis upon depth or length of call, but it was important that those calls happen frequently, in order to feel connected, loved, and supported.
Deep and meaningful conversations are all very well and good in theory, but if that hasn’t been the default communication style for several decades, why is it likely to be effective now? That doesn’t mean deep and meaningful doesn’t appear at all, but it seems that the smaller goal of regularity is a more realistic and achievable one.
The key is to create a strategy that helps us achieve our desired outcome: a positive, fulfilling relationship with our parents in their later years, where they feel loved and cared for, and where we can meet our responsibilities joyfully and effectively. It's important to note that this goal may not apply to every parent-child relationship—what matters is finding an approach that brings peace and contentment to each individual situation. Additionally, it's crucial to differentiate between "duty" and "obligation." Duty involves regular, thoughtful acts of service and care, while obligation, often driven by guilt, has a negative, draining effect. To sustain a positive relationship, we need to be fueled by positive, empowering motivations, not guilt or negative forces.
We understand the science of habit formation from wonderful books like James Clear’s Atomic Habits but rarely apply that thinking to relationships, particularly parental ones. Anything worth achieving however, requires method and thought. We can’t simply rely on a sense of guilt and obligation to drive us through this difficult chapter with our parents. True, meaningful communication will happen after a foundation of frequency is established, and we can only do that if we develop a positive habit around it.
Curiosity
For many people, this was the first time they were acknowledging the truth about why their communication with an ageing parent wasn’t good. Someone talked about how they vehemently disagree with their parent’s political views and age had highlighted this fundamental difference. One might think that could be the end of the road for that parent – child relationship, or at least, it will be superficial at best. It can be viewed differently however, under the lens of curiosity.
By reflecting deeply and articulating the painful truth, this individual now has an opportunity to explore that parent’s history and why they feel the way they do about certain social issues. In our experience, we can see that most people know little about their parents before they themselves were in the picture! This later life chapter is the perfect opportunity to explore and exercise curiosity. Again, this isn’t appropriate for every relationship and sometimes things are far more complex than this. If a parent has been intolerant and even abusive over sexuality for example, it doesn’t make sense for an individual to cross healthy boundaries they have previously set themselves - this has to be viewed on a case by case basis. If there is a case for curiosity bridging a gap to bring a sense of understanding however, then technology can play a significant role by capturing stories via video and voice notes. It can be a wonderful tool in facilitating a deeply positive, and even cathartic experience for all involved.
Summary Checklist
Below are four steps to devise your communication strategy with an ageing parent in later life:
Chatsie
Chatsie is building simple smartphones for senior citizens. We’ve seen first-hand how older people are being left behind, because smartphones are not designed for their needs. There is an amazing opportunity to use technology to reconnect generations, to make sure that younger people know their parents and grandparents really well, right into “old age”.
We know that communication around ageing is complicated. As the children and grandchildren, it is often hard to say things out loud. We want to break that taboo and stigma. To find a positive way for everyone to voice their fears, and consequently find a deep and loving communication method for their loved ones in later life.
Next time we’ll explore how unlocking internet-driven apps like WhatsApp, social media, and online banking, can be critical to deepening and improving your parent – child relationship.
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